Where does the time go?

Wow.  What a journey that first year at university was!  I’m so sorry you didn’t really get to experience it with me, I think I misjudged the volume of work when I said I’d keep this blog updated.  Still, I’m here now with plenty of time on my hands over the summer, so I’m going to try to keep it updated a little better.

Edge-Hill-University-Campus-Images-John-Johnson-34

Our amazing library.  This place saved my life more than once!

First things first, let me tell you how I felt my first year went; it went great.  It surpassed all of my expectations and managed to blow a few of my fears out of the water.  I’ve done well in the majority of the assessments that have already been marked, including an absolutely mind blowing 80% in one of them.  I still can’t believe that 80% mark is actually right!  The classes were all interesting and while sometimes it felt like we were feeling around in the dark without much guidance, I guess that’s just how universities operate.  A lot of the stuff you have to work out or decide on for yourself; it’s not like the less advanced kinds of further education, where you’re spoon fed the information you need.  The tutors seem to give you just enough to get you thinking and then the rest is really up to you.  It takes some getting used to, but I think I worked it out fine in the end.

The other thing I want to mention in this blog post is that I will be putting my assessment submissions up here on the website in the future, but in order to avoid the university’s plagiarism filter, I have to leave them off until they’ve been marked.  Look for them at the beginning of June, if you’re interested in how they turned out.

Other than that, thanks for sticking with me, those of you who still read these things!  I PROMISE I will try to keep this thing updated and will hopefully be adding new work and stuff as I keep my skills up over summer.  Unless I become world famous in the meantime, of course!

Be Excellent To Each Other!

Steven

 

Feelings

I feel like I want to write shit poetry
That no-one wants to read.
I feel that the alcohol in my system,
Is the wisdom that I need.

I feel like I could fuck
For a thousand years.
When the reality
Is probably just one thrust.

I feel like love is a fairytale
Told when I was young.
That happy ever after
Is a lie; a song unsung.

I know that obvious rhymes
Are all I have to give.
That at times my feelings
Are just too strong to live.

I feel like when I’m gone,
The world will move on.
Barely remember my light
And how dimly it shone.

A day in the life…

Darkness closes
Like a cocoon.
Second skin,
This flesh imposes
Trapping me within,
And

Suffocating.
Suffocating.
Suffocating.

A strangle grip around my throat.
My voice silenced.
Confidence stripped.
Expression stifled.

Isolating.
Isolating.
Isolating.

The mind turned upon itself.
Plans disrupted.
Dreams burned.
Thoughts corrupted.

Segregating.
Segregating.
Segregating.

Loneliness pervades.
Drives me to despair.
Plaster on a smile.
Live the charade.
And all the while

Suffocating.
Isolating.
Segregating.
Me.

Why do I write?

I guess this is a fairly basic question to ask on a blog about writing.  It’s a question that I’ve never actually asked myself in the past, so I thought that I might have a go at answering it now.

The Origins Of My Writing

It’s hard to say how young I was when I first realised how much I liked writing.  Now, when I say writing, I don’t just mean fiction, I mean writing in general, the whole process.  From scrawling my left handed, messy handwriting across a page (and getting the inevitable ink smudge marks on both paper and skin), using the weird computer/typewriter hybrid my mum and dad got me later on, to more recently typing away on a bright blank word processing document.  I love everything about writing.
It's alright, it's only a first draft...

It’s alright, it’s only a first draft…

I must have been about six or seven when I actually realised, for the first time, that I enjoyed putting the thoughts that were in my head down on paper.  I can’t even remember now what things I wanted to share with the world at that age!  I do remember writing things down when I’d played a particularly cool game with my toys and I wanted to remember the specifics so I could play that game again.

That, I guess then, is the origins of my writing.  I’d often use toys in different ways and for different roles than they were originally bought for.  So from time to time, my Star Wars figures would have different names and personalities, my He-Man action figures would be strange alien creatures on a newly discovered world.  Everything could be anything, depending on the ‘game’ I was playing.  Thinking back on it now, I think a better term to use would be the ‘stories’ I was telling.  I would write down who the characters were, what the planets and places they visited were called, everything.  Well, maybe not everything, a lot of my playing when I was a kid was improvised and done on the fly, but sometimes, if it was cool enough, I’d make a note of it.

The Wasted Years

I amusingly refer to my teenage years as ‘the wasted years’ because I did spend rather a lot of time drunk in those, fragile, formative years!  Because of that, not very much writing got done by me at all, and that which was has rarely survived to see the light of day today.  This might be a blessing in disguise, but as with my younger years, it would have been fun to see what occupied my teenage mind!

Even though I’ve said that I didn’t do much writing during my teenage years, it would be a lie to say that I put my imagination to rest and dulled it with alcohol, because I didn’t.  My teenage imagination was mostly preoccupied with tabletop role-playing games.  Yes, like Dungeons and Dragons, but no, not Dungeons and Dragons.  It still amazes me even now that you could tell someone you once took a dump on a cat and they wouldn’t flinch, but tell them you’ve played D & D and they look at you like you just slapped the pope.  Tabletop RPG’s are amazing and really, really good for your imagination.  I thoroughly believe that more people should play them!

Tabletop Roleplaying -  More fun than it looks!

Tabletop Roleplaying – More fun than it looks!

Anyway,  these games always helped to fire my imagination and gave me worlds in which to stretch the wings of my imagination and create stories and worlds for my friends to play in.  These places were filled with action and angst and humour and I loved every second I was gaming in those worlds.  One of the parts of the course I’m doing is called Speculative Fiction and covers creating these types of game, amongst other things.  Needless to say, I am very excited about that part of the course and can’t wait to see what kinds of things I can learn.

The Responsible Years

Very, very little writing got done during my twenties, I am afraid to say.  This decade of my life consisted mostly of settling down, getting a mortgage and a reliable, safe job with which to pay that mortgage back.  Looking back now, it’s very easy for me to see why I didn’t write very much in this period of my life.  I was very uninspired at the time.  If it sounds like I’m ungrateful for the years I spent settled down in my twenties, then I don’t mean it to.  I had fun, I had friends and a partner.  I went to lots of places and did lots of things.
Hindsight (and much, much soul searching) has shown me that perhaps that kind of life is not for me.  I was denying myself the happiness that I was looking for, even though I didn’t know it at the time and was happy in my twenties.  You can only lie to yourself for so long though before your true feelings will make themselves known one way or another and whether you like it or not.  That’s why as my twenties came to an end and my thirties began, I found myself living a very different life than the one I had become accustomed to.

As the saying goes though, ‘One door closes and other one opens’ and I found myself at a loose end one night, when a friend of mine, Louise Fazackerley (if you’ve never seen her perform before, you owe it to yourselves to do so, she’s amazing!

Louise Fazackerley*

Louise Fazackerley*

Click on her name to visit her website and see where she’s appearing next!), suggested that I attend the open mic poetry night at the much missed Tudor House Hotel in Wigan.  This fired my passion for writing again and the rest, as they say, is-well, it’s just below, actually…

Modern Day And The Writing Renaissance

So now we’re here, this post has meandered us back to the present day while apparently failing to answer the question posed by its title!  We had fun though, right?  As I sit here and write this and await my turn to plunge into academia, I am at a pretty good place regarding my writing.  I’m sitting down and doing it more than ever, I have a keen interest in everything creative, not just writing.  I have the support of wonderful friends and family and I have a lot of hope for my future in writing going forward.
The true answer to the question, ‘why do I write?’ is a simple one.  I write because I can.  I have a great, creative imagination and I love the idea that with writing, everything is possible.  I can write about anything, anywhere, at any time.  I can have dragons, and witches and robots and even ninjas if I want to.  Hell, I can have them all at the same time!  The point I’m making is that your potential as a writer is limitless, you can inspire and entertain, incite and defuse.
I think I also enjoy writing mostly for my own benefit.  I like creating characters and stories, new worlds and interesting situations.  Even though I would love to make a living using my writing, it’s never been the main goal to make money from it.  I just enjoy creating things and watching them evolve and unfold in front of me, and I would love to think that one day, others can enjoy my work in the same way.  Everything is anything, after all!

*Photograph of Louise Fazackerley taken by Richard Davis.  Used with permission.

And so it begins…again.

For those of you who know me and may have followed my other blogs, you’ll know that this is not my first time writing a blog.  You’ll also know that those other blogs haven’t been updated in some time.  There is a reason for that, and it’s not laziness!  Well, it’s not all laziness!

Not long after I got back from America in 2012, the email account I was using to access all of my blogs was hacked and the passwords changed.  This meant that I couldn’t get access to any of my blogs.  That’s been fixed for the most part but unfortunately I still have read only access to my main blog, The Random Ravings of an Undercover Geek.  This saddens me because the blogs about my trip across America are on there and I was hoping to maybe finish them one day before I completely forget everything that went on.  To that end, I think I am going to rebuild the Random Ravings blog at some point in the future and move those blogs over to that and maybe, just maybe, I’ll even finish them!

So what’s this one all about then?

Good question, I’m glad you asked!  I’ve decided to create this new blog as a way of sharing my thoughts as I move ahead with the next three years of my life.  In September of this year (2015), I am starting at university for the very first time in my life.  This is something that I should have done long ago but life has a nasty habit of sidetracking you with things that you think are important to you, at least at the time.  However long it’s taken me to get here, I am here now and I damn well mean to make sure it counts.
So, to that end, I have enrolled on a Creative Writing degree at Edge Hill University, which begins in September.  This isn’t a decision that I’ve made lightly, it means I have to give up my full time job for a part time one (possibly even a zero hour contract one) and it means that I will be poor and debt riddled for years to come, but in terms of self satisfaction and finding a job that I love doing and can be passionate about, this is definitely the way to go.

Yeah, that’s cool and all, but why another blog?

The reason this blog exists is because firstly I wanted somewhere that I can post about the things I’m learning regarding writing and all that entails, as well as having somewhere that I can share my thoughts and worries about the questions the course will inevitably pose (not just academically, but in regards to my personal life and personal growth too).  Secondly, I need a few ways in which I can keep my writing skills sharp and, like any skills, they are kept sharp by using them and doing things with them.  This is one of the exercises I’m going to use to make sure that happens.  Plus, I thought that maybe some of you might just be interested in my thoughts and feelings about the world and uni life and everything.
So, that’s it.  I’ve started this blog a little early I guess but I wanted to give myself time to get used to blogging again and mostly to try and remember to do it!  Either way, watch this space folks, the next three years promise to be an interesting ride.  Care to come along?