Explosions of insight
Light up the sky
As I lie here in the rain
And wait to die
A poignant moment
Frozen in time in my mind
The start of all this;
The end of all that.
A flash of lightning
Makes my pupils blow
And my tortured, beaten body
Lies broken on the floor.
I fought as best I could,
I played my part;
But I was overcome
And the thunder broke my heart
You sit and you sing
in your gilded cage.
watching with wary eyes
as I sit on the sill outside,
cold and huddled down;
just a dirty, downtrodden pigeon.
Nothing like you.
Chirping for attention
and the lies you’re fed,
you dare to judge.
Sing that success
is a cage like yours.
Scoff that I choose instead
to be outside in the cold.
But I say the joke is on you,
my feathered friend.
You may sit and you may sing
but I can fly away, to find my own way.
Feel the sun on my face,
not the reflection
from a gilded cage.
Haunted by the gentle fiction
of life not stalled
by the hounding darkness
of a stifled mind.
Redemption stares me in the face
dares me to reach out
leave my mask behind
rejoin the human race.
I hesitate
knowing the uncertainty
of exposing my wounded heart
to fate.
I wait…wait…wait.
For what?
Words escape me,
I am mute, struck dumb
by the darkness in my mind.
Overcome
by the hatred I reserve
purely for myself.
Incapacitated
by the loathing
pressing on my last nerve.
Freedom
is the light in a tunnel.
I see only black; an empty oeuvre.
Nothing
is good enough,
no words to share my pain.
Words escape me.
Alone, again.
If I could take all the flowers
that bloom in the springtime,
I would bind them together with care
twine a multi-coloured crown
to sit atop your sun-kissed hair.
If I could catch all the April showers
that fall in the springtime
I would pour each glistening drop
into a pitcher filled to the brim
from which your honeyed lips could sup
If I could take the freshest breeze
that blows in the springtime,
harness that gentle zephyr
and turn its kiss on you
to cool your dew dipped skin
If I could do all of these things;
if I could bring you the springtime,
would you turn your soft gaze to me,
And would you slip your hand in mine?
Then we could lie together,
in the tender hush,
of the springtime.
It starts,
As these things always do,
With the smallest of things.
A remark from me,
A comment back from you.
Suddenly the game commences
The battle lines are drawn.
We bolster our defences
Man the cannons, ready the guns.
The gloves are off.
The claws are out.
With swords unsheathed,
We join in war
Love is forgotten,
As vitriol grows.
Only the winning matters,
Your rules, my rules,
No rules,
When we come to blows.
Because right now,
You are ice,
I am fire,
Circling each other
Words fly like arrows,
Blotting out the sun.
The air is filled
With screams of rage,
it’s too late now
To turn the page.
Anger burns respect away,
Calculated barbs hide our guilt,
change the state of play.
And suddenly,
It’s over.
I deal the mortal blow.
Silence,
Descends on our battlefield.
Tears flow like blood.
I have tried to be happy,
to put on the smile,
wear my mask like a good little boy.
I have tried to be my best
to not let people down.
My happiness is gone now,
torn away by a treacherous mind.
I cling to the tatters,
leeching warmth from the scraps.
The cold seeps in still.
You could de-construct my pieces,
find your way inside.
Tap at the stone
that replaced my heart;
hope to hear an echo.
You could climb into the abysm
that used to house my soul.
Close your eyes in its darkness
find a memory of before.
You could creep into my mind;
find the joy that someone stole.
You could.
I wish you would.
But you won’t.
In my dreams I have touched your skin
a thousand times,
run my hand along your graceful curves
felt every groove, every goose-bump, every pore.
I have touched your hair
pressed its silk to my lips,
smelled its sweet perfume,
rinsed my hands in its luxurious flow.
I have held you tightly, held you softly.
I have kissed, caressed and worshipped your body.
I have used you, let you use me.
We have danced and laughed, sat and cried.
Raged through anger and sailed through happiness.
I know every part of your body,
Every freckle, every mole.
I have sat and watched you sleep,
curved my body around yours.
We are not master and servant.
We are equals in this. Partners.
Both Master.
Both servant.
Giver and taker.
Hurter and comforter.
Castigator and redeemer.
You have transported me to heaven,
dragged me through hell.
We have shared spittle, blood, tears and tales.
Faced the world together and triumphed.
Celebrated with champagne and rampant sex;
Tears and resignation.
I am strong, vibrant and content because of you.
I am everything I am, because of you.
I am better because of you.
But you are only in my dreams.
It’s easy
to blame someone else
when your own mind
strips away the lie
that you call life
leaving you with only
the cynical vanity
that the world is against you.
To let the waves wash over
and slip beneath the surface,
swallow that darkness
as you scream.
To assume
that no-one loves you
so you don’t have to try
or risk getting cut
by the treachery
of rejection.
It’s easy.
Far, far too easy.
Angst, Love And Other Monsters Of The Mind 